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Post by SilentDream on Jul 9, 2011 16:11:05 GMT -5
Ok. First of all. You're awesome! ;D You know I always hit you up for the male's perspective. This is something that came up recently and something that I've noticed with several friends of mine and I've questioned it with myself... and take note, this is referencing serious, committed relationships, especially when there are children involved or there has been a long history. Alot of times, women get called all kinds of names for standing by a guy who does wrong by her. She's "desperate," "stupid," "has self-esteem issues," etc. When the relationship eventually falls apart, all who voiced these things patted themselves on the back for being right... offered moral support to their broken-hearted friends/fam... There are some who see their situation as one that is detrimental to their mental well-being and self-esteem and they get out of the relationship. Some see it as good. Others express that they could have worked harder at improving the relationship. Then there are the women who stand by men who do alot of the same things the men of the women above did... they may even break up... but there are times when they finally, FINALLY, walk down that ailse and they get patted on their backs for sticking in there. This recently came to mind after going to a friend's wedding and dude openly said as much in his vows. She stuck it out. They are a couple those around them absolutely love and they are great together. Another couple had been together since they were like 16 and just got married after 15yrs (half their lives!) and 3 kids later... Dude put her through it... Friends talked about all the "haters" and wanted to let all the haters know that he "loved it so he put a ring on it..." Fif-teen-years-later. So, here's my questions: Are "we" judging those who stick in there too harshly since there are times when it definitely works out? Are those who stuck it out and are now basking in the glow to expect the other shoe to drop? How do you know if you're holding on for all the right reasons, letting go too soon, or just hopelessly hoping??
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djlarrylarr
Moderator
Welcome to My World.......The Deeper You Go, The More You Will Find.
Posts: 108
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Post by djlarrylarr on Jul 9, 2011 19:38:23 GMT -5
Excellent Question......A lot of times we do put out two cents in other peoples business. We may feel that he or she is "Stupid" or "Crazy" for sticking it out with someone who is not worth a wet food stamp. But......it is obvious that there is something inside of that person that is good & they are trying there best to bring it out. They see the protential in them were we don't see it.
For example....my Mother....she was with my father since they were teenagers. Had me then got married....but my father was not a "angel". In time my father did a lot of things to make people (my mother side of the family) wonder why she stayed with him......Drugs, Cheating (a child with another woman), lies, arrest, stealing & to top it all off.....HIV/AIDS. Luckily for my mother, she was never exposed to the latter. But even I being her son questioned why she stuck around all this drama, instead of leaving & having "peace of mind". The reason is because she loved my father & she valued her vows to him until his death. That in a nutshell showed alot of courage & strong will. We will always judge to harshly because theyre our friends & family & we don't want to see them hurt. But we are not living in there shoes. All we can do is be there whenever they need us.
Now if it us that are going through that drama. You have to ask yourself if it is worth it staying in a situation that others may feel it is not healthy. Only we can answer that question internally. If it is worth salvaging, then you go all out in your relationship.
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Post by SilentDream on Jul 12, 2011 11:06:12 GMT -5
Excellent Question......A lot of times we do put out two cents in other peoples business. We may feel that he or she is "Stupid" or "Crazy" for sticking it out with someone who is not worth a wet food stamp. But......it is obvious that there is something inside of that person that is good & they are trying there best to bring it out. They see the protential in them were we don't see it. For example....my Mother....she was with my father since they were teenagers. Had me then got married....but my father was not a "angel". In time my father did a lot of things to make people (my mother side of the family) wonder why she stayed with him......Drugs, Cheating (a child with another woman), lies, arrest, stealing & to top it all off.....HIV/AIDS. Luckily for my mother, she was never exposed to the latter. But even I being her son questioned why she stuck around all this drama, instead of leaving & having "peace of mind". The reason is because she loved my father & she valued her vows to him until his death. That in a nutshell showed alot of courage & strong will. We will always judge to harshly because theyre our friends & family & we don't want to see them hurt. But we are not living in there shoes. All we can do is be there whenever they need us. Now if it us that are going through that drama. You have to ask yourself if it is worth it staying in a situation that others may feel it is not healthy. Only we can answer that question internally. If it is worth salvaging, then you go all out in your relationship. I love the point that they may see potential in a person where we dont see it. That's something that makes you stop and do a little self-assessment because there's always room for self improvement. I think even when fam and friends speak out of genuine concern, there is also an opportunity to try to see the situation from the other's perspective. And isn't there supposed to be good in all of us? It's easy to focus on the negative things we see while looking at another's relationship from the outside..... Yeah.... It didn't dawn on me that you would bring a personal experience to the table too, but that definitely helps me remember the need to consider one situation from different perspectives.
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Xgriz
Junior Member
Posts: 312
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Post by Xgriz on Jul 24, 2011 18:52:37 GMT -5
Mr Larry, I have a question if you don't mind.
I have been buds with my buddy since Sept 2010. We have been through alot and have toughed it out through alot of things. I have seen him change, hopefully for the best and I have tried guiding him to being a better person and helping him along the way. This hasn't come without a price. I have met his X, someone whom he is very close with. She has over the past been trying to be very controlling, something that when I came around began to put a dent in. Through me, he has overcame her many times and she has grown to hate me. I used to be on good terms with her, when her X left I was sort of there for her and when my buddy requested me to assist her, I did. Things aren't the same as they were then, I mostly hate her with a passion that would knock out the sun. She has pulled some nasty crap on me to where I asked my buddy to terminate his friendship with her.
Recently I found out my buddy is getting on good terms with her and it has me a bit mad. For one thing, I am still mad with her after what she pulled on me and him, second I am mad that he would take her back so soon after what she had done. Honestly, I am lost with what to do, should I try to get back on good terms with her or should I keep hating her with a burning passion?
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Post by SilentDream on Jul 25, 2011 9:05:55 GMT -5
I'm sure he doesn't mind at all, X =) He'll be checking in soon. Very interesting situation there too. I'll peek in to see what insights are laid out there. May have some thoughts of my own to add too...
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djlarrylarr
Moderator
Welcome to My World.......The Deeper You Go, The More You Will Find.
Posts: 108
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Post by djlarrylarr on Aug 25, 2011 13:08:18 GMT -5
My bad for taking to long to get back with your question, but I have been swamped with work. Okay....LET'S DO THIS!!!!!! One, he has chosen HER over YOU, because honestly she is giving him something that you can't & that is SEX. Of course that is you friend, but we as men have ALWAYS put our sexual needs before common sense & that has always been a downfall in friendships & businesses. I say still be friends with your boy, but you don't have to be friends with her. Be cordial, say "hello", but thats it. Trying to be friends with her knowing that she has his balls in a vice grip is not a good thing. I went through this same situation years back with a former friend of mine. We were like brothers, but he always was checkingout these dating sites. He ended up dating this chick from Cleveland who was very demending.....i couldnt stand her. She started creating a wedge between not only me & him, but also him & his family. I had to cuss her out one time because she thought she could say whatever she wanted to say to me.....BAD MOVE for her. So I had to put her in her place. She had a BIG house & a thriving business in Cleveland, but left all of that to move to Baltimore & live in a apartment. No smart woman would do that....but she had a plan, which eventually worked. They now live Miami.
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Xgriz
Junior Member
Posts: 312
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Post by Xgriz on Aug 26, 2011 22:30:40 GMT -5
It is alright, I understand completely. Thank you for the advice
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